welcome to the jungle
September 12, 2004

Friday night I went to a fundraiser at a bar that my coworker threw to raise money for the American Cancer Society who is backing her for an upcoming marathon. And yes people were smoking there. My coworker is this crazy red head from my office who decided to try running as a hobby and a few months later was training for the Chicago Marathon. I wish I had her motivation sometimes. Well the party was ok, it was one of those all-you-can-drink for $25 deals so needless to say the other coworkers who were there did get jiggy with it. Outside in the street next to the bar there was this awful (good-awful?) cover band playing Guns and Roses, White Snake, Poison, etc. songs. At the end of the party I promptly left knowing I had a bachelorette party the next night....

So last night my other coworker's bachelorette party was in downtown Chicago at the "World's Largest Bachelorette Party" at a nightclub. There were about 50 bachlorettes wearing really horrible white veils with mini penis' on them. One girl who was with her mother & all her 8 aunts (all about 4 feet tall) was wearing a pair of white panties over her clothes that said "Blow Me" on the butt and a whistle was attached to the crotch of the panties. It was pretty funny. The garb we made our friend wear was way less painless and she was thankful. Since this is the "world's largest bachelorette party" there is of course a show.

The MC literally looked exactly like Eminem. Same hair, clothes, height size, face. He started the show by putting all the girls on chairs in a circle and then proceeded to embarass them in some way one by one. Well our friend was the last person he embarassed. He asked her to pretend she was giving him a lap dance. So she did (with spotlight and all), I was on the floor with laughter at this point.

So the next part of the show was strippers. Of course the first stripper was a cop. We thought he would be ugly because there was some geek walking around with shots earlier with a good body but bad outfit very pale & ugly. He turned out to be a very tall, very buff, Kevin Spacey/John Cusak faced stripper. He wasn't that bad so we were slightly relieved even though male strippers are kind of embarrassing and we are always evaluating if they are gay or not. This stripper was way dirtier with his little stunts on all the women than the male strip club we went to in Vegas last spring! (And, no I am not into male strippers, my 2 friends had a double bachelorette party in Vegas and that's what one of them wanted to do.)

So on comes the next stripper, the MC called him "Tarzan". Who knew I would hear "Welcome to the Jungle" 2 nights in a row! He comes out in some sort of furry robe with a giant hood that was covering his face. He hung from the second story balcony of this club, and jumped from the balcony into the center of the dance floor. We could see he had a tan buff body but were anticpating his face, his face, what does his face look like??? He takes off the hood.........................HE WAS SO HOT! I mean HOT! HE WAS THE SPITTING IMAGE OF SMITH JARRED FROM SEX & THE CITY!!! I mean chisled face, blue eyes, blonde semi-long hair (like Smith before he shaved it off on the show), tall, buff, HOT. I have never been attracted to "buff" boys before but I think he turned me. I mean all the women were screaming. I have never seen a stripper this hot before. So my coworker who was sitting in the circle had basically been let off the hook by both strippers (even though we were routing for Tarzan to attack her) when she really got freaked out by it and said she didn't want them to do anything to her and how gross she thought it was so she left to get a drink. I usually agree with her but this time was hard. 3 of us (who all work together) basically barely listened to her when she told us and were like, "oh yeah, uh-huh ok see ya later...." as we proceeded to stare in awe at hot Tarzan was and that he was getting practically naked and groping, rubbing, licking, humping, all these bachelorettes. We thought for a minute that we would steal our friends veil so we could take her place on the floor but other people were trying this too and Eminem wasn't havin' it.

By the end of the show it was only 10:00pm and they started to let the general public into the club. Tarzan was taking photos with people for 10$ a pop and we decided against it. But we did get his card and he does private parties!!! The 3 of us who couldn't take our eyes off him were contemplating ordering him for just the 3 of us. But am I that hard up?

Yes.

I am.

No, I just want a super hot and horny boyfriend who has all those stripper moves!

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