turkey
November 29, 2004

My mother came into the Windy City to spend Thanksgiving at my house. No, I did not cook. Do pigs fly? I bought all the food minus the Turkey and she cooked it all (except the family jello dish I could handle that). Although I am not a vegetarian I have a hard time dealing with RAW meats. Cooking it. Seeing it at the market. Seeing other people cook it. Its mostly just meat attached to any sort of bone and raw chicken that bugs me the most. Ground beef and steak does not bother me as much.

So as my mom is trying to teach me the art of stuffing a Turkey (the Food Network is her favorite channel), I pretend to listen and try not to focus on the bag of �giblets� that is laying in my virginal un-meat touched sink. But all I could think was �giblets in the sink�..giblets in the sink�..innards in the sink.�

As the Turkey goes into the oven I start the clean-up-as-you-make-the-mess mode. This is not my usual way of dealing with my home but since �Mother� was there and spending the night if I didn�t do it she would. So as soon as I see the �giblets� still in the sink I ask my mom to please toss them in the garbage because I will barf if I have to pick them up even if they are ever-so-neatly placed in a little bag. So she politely asks, �But don�t you want gravy?� I gasp for air and say, �What.� So she replies, �Well that�s the old fashioned way of doing it and its how your grand father used to make it.� So as my life flashes before me and I start to feel faint I quietly reply, �No thanks. Oh and thanks for ruining my childhood holiday memories.� She just laughs at me, throws them away and I continued the clean-up.

After 2 hours of the Turkey cook-a-thon my mom goes to check on the bird. She says, �Ummm why is the oven cold?� I reply, �WHAT?� As I run to the kitchen I remember just after we pre-heated the oven she asked me the time and I hit the �clear� button on the oven so I could see the time which in turn shut the oven off and the timer. We re-set the oven and the timer so we could wait another 3 hours for the bird to finish cooking. Since we are starving we eat some chips and cream cheese/salsa dip and some of the extra stuffing that didn�t make it into the bird.

Hours later the bird is finished. We watched the movie �Saved�, piece-of-crap "Van Helsing" and the Queer Eye thanksgiving special. In the episode the comment on how important it is to look to your gays for helpful hints on holiday recipes and decorating tips. My mom comments in a sad voice, �but I don�t have any gays�.� Knowing she was starting a new job on Monday, all I could say was, �Maybe at your new job you will find one.�

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